hello, my name is lily. i'm 14 years old and i'm from a small town surrounded by mountains. my favorite subject at school is english, which might be a bit surprising since my hometown isn't exactly known for its linguistic diversity. i love reading books, especially fantasy novels where dragons and wizards roam. sometimes, when i read, i imagine myself as the main character, wandering through magical lands.
i'm not very good at sports, but i'm trying to improve. last week, during p.e. class, i managed to kick the soccer ball into the goal for the first time. it was a tiny achievement, but it made me feel like a champion! however, i often trip over my own feet, which makes my friends laugh, but i don't mind. laughter is the best medicine, right?
my family is quite quirky. my dad collects antique clocks, and my mom loves gardening. she has this funny habit of talking to her plants as if they're her children. i sometimes join in, pretending to hear their replies. it's a strange hobby, but it brings us joy.
i have a pet cat named whiskers, who's always sneaking into my room to play with my pencils. he's so mischievous that i sometimes think he wants to be an artist too. his antics make me smile even on gloomy days.
in the future, i dream of becoming a writer. i want to create worlds as enchanting as the ones i've read about. but i know i have a long way to go; my writing can be a bit messy, like a jumbled box of crayons. i'm working on it though, one sentence at a time.
老师评语：
lily's self-introduction is filled with personal anecdotes and a charming innocence. however, there are some grammatical errors and sentence structure issues that need attention. for instance, 'my writing can be a bit messy, like a jumbled box of crayons' is a creative comparison, but it lacks parallelism. also, 'he's so mischievous that i sometimes think he wants to be an artist too' could be clearer with a rephrased second clause.
内容亮点：
the essay showcases lily's vivid imagination and passion for reading, making it engaging. her description of her family and pet adds a touch of humor and warmth, while her aspirations to become a writer reflect her creativity.
优化参考：
some sentences can be refined for clarity and fluency. for example, 'it was a tiny achievement, but it made me feel like a champion!' can be altered to 'scoring my first goal in soccer, despite my clumsiness, felt like a major triumph.' the part about her cat could read, 'whiskers, my mischievous cat, often plays with my pencils, almost as if he's trying to create his own art.'
批改后作文
greetings, i am lily, a 14-year-old girl hailing from a picturesque mountain town. english holds a special place in my heart, a unique preference in a place where linguistic diversity is scarce. i find solace in the pages of fantasy novels, losing myself in realms of dragons and wizards. in these narratives, i envision myself as the protagonist, embarking on fantastical adventures.
while i'm not an athletic prodigy, i'm diligently working on my skills. recently, i scored my first goal in p.e. class, a modest accomplishment that filled me with pride. even if my clumsiness often leads to laughter, i believe laughter is indeed the best tonic.
my family is eccentric in its own ways. my father is a clock collector, and my mother nurtures a green thumb, conversing with her plants as if they're her little ones. occasionally, i join her, sharing in the whimsy. these quirks bring happiness to our lives.
whiskers, my playful feline companion, often invades my study, turning my pencils into toys. his mischief prompts me to imagine him as an artistic soul. his antics never fail to brighten even the dreariest of days.
in the realm of dreams, i aspire to be a writer, crafting worlds as captivating as those i've devoured. i acknowledge my writing can be disorderly, akin to a disorganized box of crayons, but i'm dedicated to honing my craft, one carefully constructed sentence at a time.
作文写作素材：
阅读参考
to refine lily"s writing, she should explore classic english literature to enhance her vocabulary and sentence structure. reading "charlotte"s web" by e.b. white can teach her how to weave humor and emotion into stories. additionally, "the chronicles of narnia" by c.s. lewis could inspire her fantasy writing. practicing writing exercises from books like "the elements of style" by william strunk jr. and e.b. white will also help her develop a stronger narrative voice.
