my sunday
it was a sunny sunday, and i woke up late, feeling lazy in my cozy bed. my mom shouted from downstairs, 'breakfast is ready!' i jumped out of bed, rushing to the kitchen with messy hair. the smell of pancakes filled the air, making my tummy rumble. i ate them hungrily, but i burnt my tongue, it felt like a hot coal. i should've waited for it to cool down, but i was too eager.
after breakfast, i decided to ride my bike to the park. my bike had a flat tire, so i had to pump it up. it took me longer than expected, as i kept losing count of the pumps. i thought i was done, but the tire still felt soft. eventually, i managed after many tries, though my arms were aching.
at the park, i played soccer with some friends. we didn't keep score, just played for fun. one time, i kicked the ball too hard, and it flew over the fence. we laughed, calling it a 'goal' even though it wasn't. we found the ball later, hidden behind a bush.
in the afternoon, i tried to do my homework. math was challenging, like solving a puzzle. i got stuck on one problem, staring at it blankly. suddenly, my dog jumped onto my lap, wagging his tail. i giggled and forgot about the math for a while, playing with him instead.
as evening fell, i helped mom cook dinner. i wanted to make spaghetti, but i burned the garlic. the smoke alarm went off, and we all panicked. mom quickly turned off the stove, and we opened windows, letting the smoke out. we ended up ordering pizza, laughing about our cooking adventure.
the day ended watching a movie with my family. i fell asleep halfway through, exhausted from the day's activities. sunday was full of ups and downs, but it was a good day.
老师评语：
这篇作文生动地描绘了一个普通周日的生活，语言虽略显单薄，但充满了生活气息。作者成功地展现了日常生活中的小插曲，如烧焦的蒜头和飞过围栏的足球，这些都增加了故事的趣味性。
内容亮点：
小作者巧妙地利用了日常生活的琐事来构建故事，如修自行车、公园玩耍等，这些细节使文章更具真实感。同时，文章中的一些小错误如“lost count of the pumps”和“fell asleep halfway through”等，反而增加了文章的亲切感，仿佛是小学生的真实记录。
优化参考：
文章的结构可以更紧凑，例如在描述公园玩耍的部分，可以减少对球飞过围栏的详细描述，更多地聚焦于游戏的乐趣。同时，描述做数学作业的部分，可以更深入地展示思考过程，增加一些心理活动的描绘，使读者更能理解小作者的心情。
批改后作文
标题：my sunday
waking up to a sun-kissed room on sunday, i lingered in bed, basking in the warmth. hearing mom's breakfast call, i hastily descended, eager for those mouthwatering pancakes. however, my haste resulted in a burnt tongue, a scorching reminder to savor each bite.
after breakfast, i set out to fix my bike's punctured tire. the repetitive pumping seemed endless, but eventually, the tire regained its firmness. at the park, soccer game ensued, laughter filling the air. my powerful kick sent the ball soaring beyond the fence, an unintentional 'goal' that amused us all.
back home, homework awaited. math problems became my nemesis, one particular question stumping me. amidst my dilemma, my playful dog interrupted, his wagging tail stealing my focus. we spent a delightful moment together before resuming homework, the math problem now appearing less daunting.
dinnertime was a comedy of errors. attempting to cook spaghetti, i burnt the garlic, triggering a mini panic attack. we ended up enjoying a relaxed pizza night, the mishap turning into a shared memory.
the day concluded with a family movie night, where i succumbed to sleep halfway through, the day's excitement leaving me drained yet content.
作文写作素材：
阅读参考
为了提高写作水平，建议多阅读《查理和巧克力工厂》等儿童文学作品，学习如何用生动的语言描绘生活场景。同时，可以研读课本中的叙事文，如《草房子》等，学习如何通过细节展现人物情感和故事发展。此外，《小王子》中对生活小事的细腻描绘也是很好的学习素材。
